Perhaps you too have often heard the following statements: “Let's see if we're compatible first and only then think about the future! There must be chemistry, otherwise... goodbye sex!”
Compatibility... Sexual match... How do we know if we're compatible with someone or not? What does being compatible mean? There must be a certain type of proper vagina? Wide, narrow, flexible, rigid, slippery? The penis must have a certain size? What kind of penis? Short, thick, long and thin, high, extremely high?
And so obsessive quests appear, endless tests or tries. But don’t we lose the essence being so focused on the characteristics and not on qualities? How important is compatibility? And ultimately what does it mean? What is it? How essential is it? Is compatibility a sure guarantee of success in a relationship or just in a sexual act? Don’t we let ourselves prey, out of inertia, to some words spoken by all, without analyzing what they really mean though?
We generally agree that a relationship is not only about sex. How many of us are compatible in terms of sexual organs? Let’s not forget that for a long time, somewhere in the history of our society, marriage was a business arrangement between parents, often sexual relationship between protagonists, coming only after formalizing the marriage bond.
Arguments like sexual mismatch or physical dissatisfaction, as a plausible reason for a possible breakup, were not even taken into discussion. Do you think the life of those people was only torment and suffering? Sometimes maybe yes...!? But most of the times, history shows us that our ancestors were quite creative and resourceful in solving such problems.
Many leave from the premises that “everything is solved in bed”. That, though studies show that it is a totally wrong perception on the importance of sex. Primarily due to the different nature of psychosomatic feelings of each individual.
But what was observed with relevance is that in the case of a good relationship between partners, when everything “goes smoothly”, the subjects consider that only 20% of success is due to sex, while discontented ones overbid it to 80%.
Being sexually compatible implies that the attitude, behavior, expectation, fantasy and even perversity of each of the partners to converge at some point toward a common point, emphasizing the feeling of communion and of “whole”. Sometimes, sexual compatibility is judged by the frequence of intimacy moments. For yes, for some of us, counting “parties” per unit of time is a kind of “unit of measurement” of partner’s love. Surprisingly, isn’t it?! Maybe... But there are really people who otherwise feel unloved. And this thirst for love is not quenched but by having sex every day... hourly, whenever the “other” one is around.
But what happens when the partner does not “see” things the same? What happens when for him/her satisfactory means to make love once a month or more than ten times a year?
We say that there is a sexual inadequacy? We consider that one of them is characterized by a normal libido and the other one by a lower one? What defines normal? Does normal necessarily mean “more”? How do you solve this sex drive gap?
We should not impose limits in waiting for the mood nor to insist as we were “in heat”! Researchers propose a “negotiation” of sex parties frequency, believing that such a convention is supporting relationship by fostering intimacy of the two. The idea can turn into a sensual game, and planning itself is likely to become a real challenge. Imposing penalties in case of “misconduct” unleash eccentric fantasies.
Sexual compatibility has its source in the couple's emotional intimacy, which is founded on the desire and need for each other. But do we have the necessary patience and spiritual depth to also understand the other partner? Romance, tenderness, hugs, kisses and touching... take time, intimacy and commitment. Both self and mutual. We gradually develop our instinct and desire by “tasting” every moment spent together.
Erotic nature concordance also implies complicity, because the two partners have to “work” together, in “team”, in order to build their “temple of pleasure”.
What does it mean being accomplices? Being able to share with each other, without embarrassment, without fear of interpretations or misjudgment, without crazy jealousy and absolutely free, all sexual fantasies we can think about, sure that we will be understood exactly the way we want. Complicty also means developing our sexuality through each other, feeling fulfilled and enjoying the joy of each other, exploring and refining our senses, displaying our nudity without restraint, being ourselves, sure that we are desired and inspire desire, exactly as we are.
What does respecting the sexual desires of our partner mean? Submission? Resignation? Accepting with no veto? No! It is an act that involves reciprocity. Some things come naturally, but for many others (such as extravagant hidden fantasies) it is improtant to feel at ease, in order to be able sharing them freely, with detachment and honesty. Orgasm is not a personal virtue, but it is strictly related to the dynamics of erotic play, each of the partner assuming the desire and pleasure of each other. When orgasm itself is something assumed, then there is no question of giving anymore, but of taking what we like and what we are interested in. Orgasm becomes a goal itself.
Creating intimate pleasure is not an easy thing. It involves effort and devotion. What sometimes makes this task easier, being devoid of pride and accountancy, is the very love that has the merit of keping individuals together, sometimes in an almost divine way.
So we can say that, in a relationship that is wanted to last, it is started from soul to flesh. Not the vice versa! No one denies the existence of realism and physical attraction between two partners, but in no case it is defining. Sex does NOT do and undo...
One night dates are just a boost for sexual energy consumption, of “hunger” of our reminiscent primitive impulses, for feeling a one moment pleasure. And of course, sometimes such manifestations are necessary also.
Primitive, animal attraction... exists and will always exist, but if you give your partner what he/she wants, you will also inevitably feel his/her gratitude, because in general, the other in turn, will be willing to “reward” your interest for their pleasure. This type of communication, interaction and mutual sexual devotion underlies a deep relationship based indeed on the correct meaning of the idea of compatibility.
Compatility exists, but it depends on the attitude of everyone, whether we are sufficiently motivated to find it in the true sense of the word and of its existence.